Monday, August 29, 2005



After being a christian for 5 year and counting , it suddenly struck me that i was not living a God driven purpose life, one that i could be accuntable for.
Rather i was too obssesed with the demon lies and deception which led me to other things.
I have SINNED!!!

Last Sunday when i stepped into the santuary of the church and attended speedlight, i just felt so lost as if a lost child slowly finding his way back to God
I didn't know just how out of touch i was with God. Those meaningful words that used to touch me and encourage me when i was down, the excitiment when i first started reading the bible, the joy that all my church friends have brought to me and just so much so much more, the burning desire to do my best in extending the kingdom of God, sharing of gospel and serving him

Things have really not been smooth sailing all the while and rather, it was a dark period of my life. Being so pre-occupied with other matters like assignment , CCA commitment and peers , i felt desperate and didn't want to confide in anyone cause i felt that my problem were my problem and i didn't want my friends to worry about my problem since they all must have some problem of their own , so why drag them into my matter.

Maybe it was these kind of thinking that have led to me being more and more untrusting
i just did not believe that other would care so much about my problem
I didn't want to confide in ANYONE
and yeap, that included God

Although he know everything, still i began to lose my trust in a lot of things.
Seeing just how superficial things really are in the world, it made me questioned why he made things this way. How come he would put me in a position one moment and the very next, i was in another.

Was this some kind of test?

I took it as one and well i am sad to say that i have fail
Not only to myself but also all my friends and most importantly
GOD

Despite knowing that God will be there for me every single step of the way
I counted on myself to be there for myself
I knew that the only one i could count on was myself and how wrong that thinking is

Going through that fall from grace made me realise one thing
Just how much people were willing to be there for me and share my woes. I was wrong in many things and one major fault that i did was to have the wrong mentality
From the start when a certain somebody told me these words "Prepare for the worst ba", i felt so unhappy towards her. To the extend she changed the status of from being a friend to becoming an enemy.

Was a title so important to her?

Since she said that she had already achieved what she wanted to achieve last semster, then why not let other try to achieve theirs?

Threatening that she might quit only aggrevates the problem.
Just not being professional enough and putting emotions into these things
She and a few other made me feel that they were opposing me
I had the mindset of "They are against me"
Given a 2nd chance, i would change that "They are against me but still they are with me"
Yet people are usually only given one chance and i blew it

I used to be happy and i really mean it from the bottom of my heart
but what about now?
Things just kept on snowballing and i just tried to take on everything by myself
I thought that i was strong enough and i could do it

I was wrong
Terribly wrong
Nothing could be achieved without the grace of God
Everything that happen , God has a reason and purpose for it to happen
Therefore i must trust in God not let the devil come and take him away from me

Meanwhile i must repent
I want to go back to God
Rather than focusing on other things, i must put my focus back on God for he will make everything else good
Looking forward to Speedlight this sunday

*On a lighter note, I FINISHED MY FYP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*JUMP FOR JOY